The best of nearly 500 @fark headlines I created

According to my Fark profile I’ve been a member since May 22nd, 2004 and my first post was October 11th of that year in the Christopher Reeve death thread, but I’ve been lurking much longer than that. I currently have 495 greenlights recorded (with many more pulled for being duplicate headlines) and have hit almost every “tag” there is. Since I’m coming up on the big 500 I decided to share my favorites.

I’m not, by any means, the most prolific submitter on the site. There are more than enough people with far more greenlights than I have. I tend to go in waves and have droughts (which I am currently in, coincidentally) where I can’t get a greenlight for months. That is the secondary meaning of this post: to give me some inspiration. Plus it never hurts to look at old headlines and get one more laugh out of them.

Criteria to make this list:

1. I find it funny. It isn’t a bad thing to laugh at your own jokes, contrary to public opinion. If you can make yourself laugh then chances are other people will laugh with you whether they get the joke or not.
2. “Obscure” reference.  It’s said there is nothing obscure on Fark, and that generally is true, but there are times where you can sneak something generally unknown into a headline and get away with it.
3. Throwaways that were awesome. A lot of the time I submit a headline and think, “well, that was crap.” It is very rare for me to actually like a headline I submit when I submit it but there are times where that piece of crap I submitted grows and becomes hilarious after other Farkers add the context I was originally missing.

Now on with the headlines…

“Did I ever tell you my favorite color was blue…?”

I love making references to movies, television or books in my headlines. I love it even more when it takes a bit for someone to get them or they have to really know the source to understand. It gets the people who also know the reference to make *squee* sounds and introduces the source to new people.

My favorite movie is “In the Mouth of Madness” by John Carpenter. I love the Sutter Cane character being a rib between Carpenter and Stephen King. I have done a site search to prove that I am the only one who has ever gotten a Sutter Cane reference in a headline (at least by searching “Sutter Cane”) and I am proud of that.

“No, Your Honor, I don’t read Sutter Cane”
An Oregon man is accused of attacking ATMs with an axe, asking if they read Sutter Cane

Speaking of Stephen King; you have to really pay attention to get this one but when you do it makes it great.

Three girls killed by a train as they cross trestle bridge, will never get to see the body of Ray Brower

The other reference I am proud of getting into a headline is Phantom of the Paradise, a quirky musical film from the 70s. Awesome music, by the way.

Swan found decapitated in Massachusetts. Winslow will finally get to have Phoenix sing his music

A Piers Anthony reference? Better believe it.

AMD reveals their new APU chip which combines ATI graphics and AMD CPUs on one chip, and call it “Llano”. If installed backwards it will undo all civilization, but otherwise pretty cool

Then there are the obvious pop culture references that just make for a fun headline.

Katherine Schwarzenegger is writing a book, tentatively titled “Who is My Daddy, and What Does He Do”
Highlander: The Game has been canceled. There can’t even be one
Billboard names Ke$ha’s “Tik Tok” as the number one song of the year. Cee-lo Green is heard to have muttered “fark you, and fark her too”
Man in Oregon gets drunk, goes into a storm drain, walks around for a few miles, ends up near a lady’s garden and needs rescue. Never did find One Eyed Willie
Doing what hundreds of robots could not, Fox terminates Sarah Connor

“I see a path open before you, a path of knowledge known before it has been learned.”

Sometimes you can see things coming from far away while other times you make a joke that ends up becoming real. I was dead serious when I submitted the first one, then the second one happened.

September 2008 – Chrysler unveils “secretly developed” electric cars. In other words, they are scared shiatless of going bankrupt
April 2009 – Chrysler files for Chapter 11 (Wikipedia)

“…he could go all the way!”

Sports. Not my favorite thing. Oh, sure, I’ve played and coached sports but I really just can’t get into watching them unless I am involved in some way. Just too boring to me. Doesn’t mean I can’t get a good sports headline every now and again.

Cowboys top Colts, Bears edge Lions, Gay Men everywhere get confused. The NFL Monday Morning round-up is here 
♫ And that’s how they became the Brady-Bundchen ♫

That second one actually got some good play. The Seattle Times Sideline Chatter, which continually links to Fark headlines they absolutely love, enjoyed it.

“Silly Willy holds a Lily”

Sometimes there is no other way to express a headline/article except to make it non-sensical.

Rig goes in a ditch and spills Jell-O pudding all over a road and the doo-wop diddly-do with the zip zop zoobity bop 
I would like a layover in Denver, a near miss in Miami, a meal in Minneapolis, and a cancellation in Toledo. Oh, and can I get my bags lost somewhere over North Dakota? Thanks 

“Politics are about as fun as being gang raped by a herd of rhinos and twice as messy.”

There is no easier way to start a fight on Fark than to submit a Politics Thread headline. No matter what you submit someone is going to have an issue with it. Thick skin is needed not just to submit a headline to that area but to even enter it. To this day I still think Fark should have an interstitial warning those with high blood pressure that they enter of their own free will.

I’ve submitted more than my fair share of politics headlines but two really stand out to me.

Palin: “I’m delighted to be in a state that puts a mama grizzly on its flag.” Public Educated Californian: “The bear is called Monarch, and he was a male”

I love that headline so much. The public educated Californian happens to be me. I wasn’t at the event or anything I just put my own commentary on the headline. It was redlit until other Farkers kept voting it up. It wasn’t until the next day (if I am remembering correctly) that the headline went green due to overwhelming love from other Farkers. The Power of Fark™ indeed.

George W. Bush’s book “Decision Points” being released November 9th. Here you all thought it was going to be coloring book, but the sneaky bastard went all “connect the dots” on you

George W. Bush, depending upon which political party you are affiliated with, is either the greatest man since Reagan or the dumbest idiot to ever hold office. The latter became a meme on Fark and when it was announced he would be publishing a book about his two terms in office it took the stance that it would be a coloring book because that is all he could understand. I took it a step further, as you can see.

RFK Jr is getting a divorce from his wife. Phew, talk about dodging a bullet

An obvious headline but it still brings the giggles just because of how wrong it is.

“Musical Interlude”

The first headline in this section actually links to an article on this very site. Yep, I took the plunge and submitted one of my own articles and it ended up going green. Remember that thick skin from the Politics Tab? You better have toughened up even more before submitting your own stuff.

The second headline is one of my favorites because it tells the whole article story without having to click through. One of those out of the sky headlines that just happens one morning.

The third was my first TotalFark Discussion thread that went green. Still freaks me out when that happens.

Five songs to think twice about. This dude has some relationship issues (Not safe for work language)
♫ Now the man near her back is close to her crack as he raises his hand near her thigh, and the girl who is a crooner is everyone’s ruiner, as he grabs her ass and everyone gets mace in their eye ♫
Your lost or forgotten album loves; show them to us. LGT gem of an album

“The Internet is serious business.”

We all know the inherent dangers of the internet by now and if you don’t, get out of your cave and see the world.

FCC says average cable customer gets half of the advertised broadband speed they pay for. You probably submitted this hours ago and already got a greenlight, but Subby is on Comcast
Thanks to the internet every business is shortening their name. This link brought to you by DC’s
Disney to stream their movies online, for free. Then take them away, lock them in a vault for ten years, and charge you $30-50 for a special edition DVD

“The Geek shall inherit the Earth”

The difference between geeks and nerds? Geeks can get laid.

I know people will be wondering why the Jay Leno one is here instead of in an entertainment section. Conan O’Brien has become something of a geek cause since the whole NBC debacle so it seemed only right that a headline during the whole internet explosion of that was placed in the geek area. (Definitely TeamCoco here. I even got the NewsFlash headline for Conan’s statement.)

Jay Leno: “Faisal Shahzad was arrested for the Times Square SUV bomb. We found his Facebook page. Seems he is part of Team Coco. This guy really likes bombs. heeHEE”
I control the spices, I control the universe

“The Penis. Mightier than the ‘S’ word.”

Wordplay is a staple of Fark headlines. If you can’t make a good wordplay you are going to get significantly less greenlights.

Going out of business sales are going out of business. Hurry before the sale ends
Tour bus crashes south of Phoenix. The dead are expected to rise within the day
Thinking of ending it all with a dive from the Golden Gate bridge? Well, now there’s a catch
Dozens missing in Egypt ferry accident, family members are in De Nile

“Randomness is better than insanity. Insanity only makes you crazy.”

To close out this post I thought I would offer two of my greenlights that, in my biased opinion, show what Fark is all about.

Bad Day: You get your Pepsi truck stuck under a bridge. Insult to Injury: Coca-Cola truck mockingly passes by overhead
Small Town Slow News Day: Man gets into argument, climbs tree, won’t come down

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