“Ow! My Balls!” – The Home Edition

This past Friday, June 17th, I had a vasectomy.

Any reader of stuff posted here or on my Twitter page knows this was coming for a long time. I’ve known I wanted a vasectomy since I was a teenager but never had the money or health insurance to get it done. Now I do and I did. The following are my experiences of the procedure and the following days.

Consultation:

The consultation was pretty straight forward. You go in, the nurse takes your vitals and ask the usual questions of allergies, drugs (legal and not) taken, etc. The urologist comes in, makes sure you know what is going to happen, makes sure your spouse knows it is going to happen, and says “see you next time.” In all it takes maybe 30 minutes out of your life from the moment you get into the building to the moment you are back in your car.

Pain level: none.

The Week Before:

The week before the surgery you are given a few things to do. You stop taking any aspirin or painkillers completely (dependent upon doctor’s orders for NEEDED medication). You also have to buy a jock strap (cupless) and some loose fitting clothing. Sweatpants work wonders for this.

Also make sure to set up a ride home. You won’t be driving.

Pain level: none.

The Day Of and The Surgery Itself:

The day of the surgery you go about your normal day. Get to your appointment 30 minutes early just because doctors really want you to read those month old magazines, or in my case to go in early. HealthPartners, if anything, has highly efficient staff.

Make sure you bring the aforementioned jock strap and loose fitting clothing as you are going to need them.

Pain level so far: none.

Once you are brought back you will be taken to a room. In my case (in every case I’ve had surgery of any kind or a doctor’s visit about my nuts) you will get the hottest staffer on duty that day. Seriously, that chick was so fucking hot.

The doctor loves to tell men “getting an erection is normal, don’t worry about it.” Well, Doc, when you bring the hottest chick you got in to ogle my junk, I’m going to get harder than a calculus formula recited in Klingon. And I did. And she smiled.

Aside from being MY new cock admirer, the girl will tell YOU what is going to happen and answer any remaining questions you may have. Then she’ll leave to get the doctor while you strip naked below the waist, get on the table, and pull the blanket over yourself.

The Doc comes back in with the girl, makes small chitchat, then proceeds to numb your nuts. If you’ve never had your nuts numbed before, or even if you have, this procedure is a bit different. This isn’t just numbing your scrotum, but your actual testes. Yes, the doctor is going to stick a needle in each of your testes.

The sensation is akin to a chick sucking on one of your nuts, or accidentally sitting on them but getting back up before a full squash can take place. You feel it, there is a slight tinge, but nothing a person can’t handle.

Pain level so far: a slight tinge.

The Doc will proceed to fondle you for a bit, making sure you are getting numb, applying more numbness if needed. The girl is there to watch and assist, and in my case to show me her “O” face.

Then the procedure begins. The doctor cuts open your scrotum and starts moving things around inside. He will talk to you during it to keep your mind off of things.

Pain level so far: back to zero.

When the doctor starts cutting the vas deferens you can feel the tugging and moving of your scrotal innards. It is a very strange sensation but not too painful.

Pain level so far: uncomfortable but very manageable.

Once completed the doctor will stitch you back up with dissolving stitches. You will get a prescription for Tylenol with codeine and be on your merry way after you put on your new jockstrap and loose fitting clothes.

Final Surgery Pain level: I’ve had worse. Man up, Nancy Boy. Stubbing your toe hurts worse.

That Night:

The night that follows is a fun little thing. Your balls are going to swell, making it feel like you are carrying a cantaloupe in your pants. Your back is going to hurt, your inner thighs and legs will hurt, and in my case an old groin muscle injury is going to get re-aggravated.

Pain level so far: “oh man, that hurts.”

As the night progresses and the numbing agent wears off you will start to feel things more. The Doc orders you to have frozen peas or ice packs handy for 20 on/20 off. This DOES help with swelling and you MUST do this, otherwise you are going to be in worse shape.

You will start having problems getting out of chairs and walking. You will adopt a wide-legged John Wayne stance. You will curse the jock strap band for being so damned effective.

Pain level so far: “Honey, can you… errrgh… get me… arrghh…”

If you can sleep most of the night away go for it. You will probably need a pillow to put between your legs to help stop from crushing your now swollen sack. I’ve had to use one the past two nights.

The Next Day:

The next day is a bit worse than the first. The swelling gets more, you feel the pain more, and just coughing hurts. It isn’t bad as long as you know how to handle pain, but weaklings need not apply.

Pain level: “leave me alone except when I want something.”

The Day After Tomorrow:

The third day, of which I am now in, things get a bit better. The swelling starts going down but the back and scrotal pain remains. Your legs should start feeling better. You start becoming a bit more mobile but still walking in a wide legged stance. Short distances are best at this point.

Pain level: “I’ll get my own soda, but you’re doing the dishes and laundry.”

Other Observations and Information:

In all the procedure is not that painful, the days after are more painful than the actual procedure itself. With proper icing and painkiller management (buy some ibuprofen for the swelling) you will get through it just fine.

However, don’t try to be Superman. TAKE IT EASY. The doctor tells you to not do anything strenuous for a week following the procedure; take this advice. If you need more time, take it. Don’t milk it, but do for yourself.

DO NOT EXERCISE. No weightlifting, no taking out the trash. NO LIFTING means NO LIFTING. No pushing, straining or running. No lawnmowers or snowblowers. No bicycles, motorcycles, horses or anything you have to straddle.

You also can’t ejaculate for a week so don’t even think of having sex or masturbating any time soon. Night emissions are cool if you still do so, but no manual or partner-ly help.

The stitches are self dissolving and will disappear in about ten days.

The jock strap has to be worn for a week. This helps lessen the scrotal swelling (although in my experience there is still some). It also helps from your balls drooping. WEAR THE DAMNED THING.

The worst part is not bathing for 48 hours. The paperwork says 24 but the Doc told me 48. If you aren’t a dabber (dabbing your penis after urination using toilet paper) become one. You don’t want any infection on your stitches.

Infertility:

This should go without saying but I’m saying it anyway: you aren’t sterile yet.

Condoms and other birth control still need to be used once you can have sex.

Now comes the fun part: you MUST ejaculate 12 to 20 times during the week month [edit: the paperwork I was given was wrong and I just about had a heart attack masturbating that much] prior to collecting your sample(s). The doctor gives you two sample cups to take home to collect your sperm in. This comes with caveats:

-You can’t ejaculate 48 hours before collection.

-You have to collect EVERYTHING. Every last drop must make it into that cup.

-No condoms can be used while collecting because they contain spermicide.

So you get to jerk off (or hire some prostitutes to help you do so) around 20 times in a week month THEN you can’t orgasm for two days. If you’re anything like me at that point you are going to be craving an orgasm and will be driven to madness. Then you get to repeat this for the second sample.

Once you get two samples come back as clear of live sperm you are infertile. You no longer need to use a condom or other birth control to prevent pregnancy. You do, however, have to keep using condoms to prevent STDs, and I strongly urge you to do so.

And there you have it; my experiences with a vasectomy so far. I will update as needed but I don’t expect much more to come from this. If you have any questions feel free to use the “Contact” form, leave a comment, or hit me up on Twitter.

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