Online Original: The Internet Is A Wonderful Thing

This is something I wrote somewhere between the end of January and the beginning of February 2008. Yes, that long ago. 


Truly we have achieved what our not long ago ancestors thought we would: unparalleled freedom. We have the internet to thank for that.

We no longer need to leave our house. Hell, just look at your email and you can get the following with just a few clicks of a mouse, personal information, completing special offers, or cashing a check and sending back the lower amount.

1. A bigger penis. Yes, men, the plague of all time is fixed. You can get Viagra, Cialis, pumps, bumps, and even implants through the mail. All discreet, no one will know. You will not believe how much she will enjoy it more.

2. Ladies your breasts can now be mistaken for water buoys. You will be the hit of the airplane crashing into open water as your breasts inflate to the size of the beachballs at a Grateful Dead concert by rubbing special lotion on them (and us men can watch on webcam, now, all legal!), taking pills, or even just by testing and keeping implants.

3. We can get food delivered. Amazon is now shipping food and if you sign up for their Prime service you are guaranteed to get it just before the expiration date.

4. Want an HDTV? Wii? PS3? iPod? iPhone? Any hot product? Just complete a few of these special offers that end up costing you more than going to the store to buy the product and you will be 120th on the list to get the product as soon as it becomes available.

5. You can buy and sell anything online, it’s a virtual garage sale. You can finally get rid of that tacky green shag carpet couch handed down since your grandfather went through his “experimental” phase in the late 60s. You can sell your soul, burnt toast with the graven image of a dead person from over 2000 years ago, and even get $500 for a Cheeto in the shape of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

6. Have a weird fetish that you just can’t find any porn of in the sticky floored local shop? Not a problem, thanks to the internet. Rule 34 of the internet will make you happy because if it exists there is porn of it. Bugs Bunny being gangbanged by the cast of Three’s Company? You got it. Minnie Mouse taking on the cast of Fraggle Rock? Pssh, that is so last week. The Internet moves faster than that; the Internet makes porn faster than a quickie with The Flash.

7. Need human interaction? There are more sites just for telling people how great, wonderful, and right you are. You get to call them names such as “doody head”, “anusburger”, and “poopydoodoobuttfart” without worrying about them hitting you. Also, you’re always right. You are THE person of the internet after all. Oh, and you have a second cousin who saw it happen.

8. “But what about the things we need in case of disaster?” you ask. The internet has you covered. Auto insurance, health insurance, and trips to that double door van in Ecquador are all just a walk down the virtual hallways of the internet. You can get free healthcare (after taking out a loan), airfare (after helping a few illegals come over the border), and so much more.

9. You can win the lottery in 135 different countries at once because YOU have been randomly selected in an email lottery you never entered.

10. Want movies or music? All at your fingertips. You can download to your heart is content the content you wish to have. Who needs to pay for it? Why help stimulate the economy? Those big corporations are so last century. Stick it to the man while you inhale your Doritos, slurping on your Peruvian double mocha latte with cinnamon swirl whipped topping and chocolate chip crunchies surrounding the rim of the double insulated foamed cup with corporate branded logo on the hot pad to make sure you don’t burn yourself because you forgot you ordered a hot drink so you won’t sue them all the while asking your mother to not touch your Star Wars “action figures” because they’re in battle scenes from the fifth book in the tenth series of unauthorized companion stories about how Princess Leia traveled to the planet of Er’Nak’Tek to save the race of Ibmipri animals from becoming extinct because the Jawas like having sex with them (see Rule 34 in about one week, this will be there soon).

Who needs to travel places to do things? The internet has given us so much freedom we can’t imagine living without it. Why go outside and experience the “real world” when you can travel the world from the comfort of your undies in your living room, shades up for a little sunlight and your neighbors seeing the parts of you you haven’t seen in five years?

Thank goodness for the internet. What a wonderful invention.

*The above is a piece of satire. While some of this is true and many people do behave or do these things on the internet, I do enjoy the internet and use it as a tool and to keep in communication with people across the world. I just wish people would read a fucking book or spend more time interacting with other humans in the real world.

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